(O) Bama , Sama n Rama - Part 1

This is something that i should've posted a couple of weeks back, when the Big O (as people stupidly call him) visited the country. It seems pretty retarded to think that Bama here, would actually go on a tour of an entire continent and sit resolving the internal affairs of the countries involved(or even dwell upon them). But then aren't our leaders happily contriving to condemn the fate of the country towards complete senility?!
Back to Mr. Bama then, his convoys land at the airport around 2 days before his AF1 sees our soil for the first time.(and i'm hoping its the last)
The(not so) Secret Service apparently want to secure the area so that Bama's pocket isn't picked and he doesn't encounter any bhikaris and chhakkas on the streets. Mr. Bama, you really think that our beggar and eunuch community have no other work than to follow your Cadillac in an attempt to extort a couple of bucks from your driver? C'mon they know you aren't even close to being as wealthy as some of our MLA's. Also the security  arrangements made for B.H.O.(hey, isn't that also an abbreviation of an expletive? bho****ke something??) were downright silly and the SS really need to get their brains checked. I mean, getting the coconuts from all the palm trees removed so that one of them doesn't fall onto Bho or on C1 creating a dent(its expensive to remove a dent from a bullet/explosive proof car you see). Also, why then were the birds allowed to fly freely? Some random crow(and we don't have a scarcity of them here) could've decided to relieve himself on C1 or on Bho even. Imagine na, Bho's brilliant black suit with a nice little white patch signifying the never ending bond between humans and nature!
So, the SS bums attempt to force their way on the cops and babus of the financial capital, actually thinking that they're going to make those hardheaded nuts budge. It doesn't work like that here guys! You need to shove wads of $100 bills into their err.. wallets if you're even considering making them work.
Once settled in the city, Bho then gives a nice speech on terrorist attacks in the city and how we faced up to them and our bravery... yada yada and how 'we' must turn CT and quickly departs for the national capital. Sir, we appreciate your acceptance that we've been brave and we have it in us to become CT's in the near future, but shouldn't you be looking at your own backyard, where a certain Sama has been hatching up big 'programs' for the betterment of his clan(he belongs to the T if i'm not mistaken)
Hey! are we playing CS here or is this a post aimed at stultifying your thinking ability?? Anyway, moving onto more important matters.

Joke: What would you say to Bama if he was a dog?
Bark Bama! :P

While leaving for the capital, Bho doesn't receive a red carpet send off(guess he was late and it got taken away for somebody more important)
The ensuing conversation was as follows:
Bho: I no get red carpet. I sad. I stay in plane till carpet come.
Mrs. Bho: You jerk, what ya cribbin' for? A carpet? Who da hell asked yo to go dancin' wid ol those kids 'er? Made a right fool out of yerself on T.V. ! The kids sent me a message 'er asking me why daddy playing monkey with school kids! You da one who late! Now get out of da f***in' chopper and place yo ass on dat aircraft!
So, as Bho and Mrs. are about to enter AF1;

Mr. 'Adarsh' Chavan: Sir, Sir, sorry for no red carpet. Your wind blows it away sir.(i know our food is spicy, but passing wind to blow away a carpet! :P ) We are giving away sea facing flat. Top quality sir, ekdum jhakaas. Bas sir you have to sign here saying that you will give our children some jobs when they come to your country.(try reading this in a typical Marathi accent, it'll enhance the effect)
Bho: Well, your proposal isn't bad, we can consider it if you promise to let us interfere into your national matters as much as we want.
M.A.C: Yes sir, ok sir.
Bho: Ok then done *flicks out pen and signs* Goodbye.
AF1 takes off and Bho gets bye bye'd by MAC.

M.A.C(to his secretary) :Kasla chu aahe re, ghanta president. Dila Adarsh madhe majhya navacha flat, mee tari sutlo! (what a jerk, president eh? I've given him ownership of my flat in Adarsh, i'm free now)

Bho's visit to the National capital is not even worth a mention as he wasn't even close to being as entertaining as he was in my city(but still out of respect i mention it here)

The others mentioned in the title will also receive their words of glory, but only after I've managed to dig deeper into what's left of the stuff contained in my skull(and there isn't too much left with my exams coming up too!)

Pyar mein twist

First things first..contrary to what the title suggests, this post does not contain any references to a love story or a silly movie with the same name. Its just the first title that came to my mind.

DISCLAIMER: The following article is just an attempt by a totally serious and fun-hating person to be comic and throw some light upon a few current affairs in a humorous manner. If the sentiments of any living being of any nationality have been hurt, it shows your lack of a little sense of humor and inability to see things on the lighter side.


Here comes the pain..............................................

During my school days(yes i have been to school) the teachers often told us to write and essay or give a short speech on the Indo-Pak issue, how it could be sorted and the merits of a sort out or of some fictitious merge between the two neighbors. Back in those days i was sane and followed the instructions given and believed the the two countries should make peace.(and wrote an awful no. of pages on such)
Now things have changed. I've grown up(laugh) and nomore see any point in the two nations changing the stand that they've held since 1947. I'll explain why they should never never never merge and why the split is beneficial.(albeit with a lagre no. of nonsensical examples)

Starting with the topic that natives of both countries always have an opinion on.. Cricket!
I still remember one of my friends coming up with a point saying that a merge between the two nations would give a team with a turquoise blue kit and Sachin n Shoaib in the same team and similar garbage. But can somebody please explain why would any team want to play in a hopelessly garish turquoise blue color??(unless you're new zealand from the early noughties & even they've developed better sense since)
And why would you want to deprive the cricketing fraternity of the most endearing one on one contests in sport??(That Shoaib occasionally resembles Salman Khan is not to be considered)

Now coming to our dear newswallahs. Poor reporters, what would they do if the Indo-Pak issues ceased to exist. Whom would they blame, whom would they criticize??
A couple of news bulletins that were doing the rounds.. "Padosi mulk ne fir diya dhokha".. or "Pak terrorists enter Mumbai."
Now if India n Pakistan were to merge(GOD FORBID) the headlines would read:
"Multan rajya ke vasiyon ne Rajasthaniyon ka kiya jeena haram"
and
"A few gangsters from Sind cause trouble in Maharashtra"


doesn't make for a very interesting reading does it?? i dont think you'd even bother going past the headlines on those two!!
The mighty cross border terrorism issues would be reduced o the status of a puny civil war and would then have no bearing on our lives whatsoever!

As for the daily discussions on top channels like Times Now, poor Mr. Goswami would be unemployed. Every other day he ends up screaming his head off on some cross border issue!


If these two points haven't convinced you that friendship isnt needed.. read on(and even if you are convinced and want to waste some more time.. carry on)


How can you talk about India Pakistan and not mention the most talked about marraige in recent times(other than Rakhi Sawant/Rahul Mahajan)
Shoaib Malik and a certain Sania Mirza got married a while back and the fact that Shoaib is a Pakistan cricketer got a lot of tongues wagging.
Had Indo-Pak peace taken place anytime before the wedding we'd have lost a major topic of discussion and Sania her 20 days of fame.


Coming to geography now, imagine the pain that cartographers would have to go through in redrawing the maps and renaming the country Indistan.. or Padia(neither of which sounds great) and creates another controversy as to which nations name will head the merged name.
Also, two Punjabs, two Hyderabads.. gets me feeling sick just by the thought, so just think of the plight of the poor kids at school. The longest river in the country would suddenly change from the Ganga to Indus, thus resulting in the most holy river of India(or the world maybe) losing a few brownie points :P


A few more examples to further emphasize that all the effort both the Goverments are putting in could be stopped and put to better use ie: sleeping peacefully :D

• A merger would create the worlds largest army having nobody to attack.
• Having Bazpee, Son-ya, Chingh, She-dam-baram, Mush, Q-reshi, Key-ani in the same "Democratic" Government would be a recipe for disaster and would amount to cruelty.(not that its any different now)
• Kashmir would be unknown to the world and most of India/Pakistan if a peace treaty had been signed around 1947-1950.

• The poor jobless American democrats would be wondering where their next "poke our nose into other nations" is gonna come from.
• And as recently as yesterday i read an article that mentioned cross selling of Indian and Pakistani beer. All in an attempt to promote good relations. Nobody in India would purchase Pakistani beer and vice versa if peace had been accepted already!! 

I hope the above article has opened your eyes. Promise me that you will convince your respective governments to stop any peace talk immediately.(if you are Indian or Pakistani)
If you are American, no need to do anything. PLEASE.

Adios Amigos!! :D :D :D

Public!

Woah!!.. 2 posts in a week!!!.. either i've got nothing better to do or i've just been driven plain insane by the vivas we've been having!!(me.."driven" insane!! :O)


Citizens.. i welcome u to this post in the name of the owner.. the divine zulu!
I dedicate it to his glory.. and to the glory of the blog..
of which the below are all part!!
So let me honor those who are seen here today..


They come here as:




Mundoo

To type out even a line without using an expletive for this A-hole is difficult.. but i'll try nevertheless!! :D


A weird guy i met at a weird place in the most weird atmosphere possible(we met at an IIT-JEE coaching class)
Who first seemed to be an absolute geek..not that he doesn't now(check da pic for details!) in 2 years became the biggest dumbass i've known. Together the keedegiri we've done is matched i guess only by Jai-Veeru from Sholay(exaggeration??). From arriving late in class..mimicking the prof during the lecture..trying to hack into the classes pc..to flunking in the same exams!!..we've done it all.
Without this fellow the most important years of my career would've been a success.. and considering all the chu-giri he did(allright..allright we did) he was n will remain the biggest harami i've known!!(after me though)
HATE U MAAN! 
Btw his real name is Mitesh. 






honestly.. after typing so much about 1 person.. i'm out of ideas as to how much more i can insult the rest of me pals.. 
so i'm gonna start grouping them!!!(group insults make it a bit less personal na?)




YUKTI GROUP 

Frankly the most awful place on the planet to come across a bunch of nitwits who ver/are as similar to each other as chalk and cheese(note the sarcasm..please)
JEE coaching class gang among whom only 2 guys didnt bother studyin.. and the others didnt bother about anything other than studies!
For all the differences that we had, it still formed an awesome group where irritating each other and verbal rape wasnt uncommon.(ask highly n kalbalkar for details!).. n i havent mentioned virar-fast have i?? :P
T-pot, highly, mundoo n me formed an excellent quartet, 
converted to a triumvirate..then to a couple n now all 4 are 
at different places!!

Sum way to finish the grp eh!!                                                                                                                                                                                   
 L-R: Nam,Harshada,Priyanka,Maitreyi,Anant,T-pot,Mundoo,Highly

RGIT INSTRU PEOPLE 

Typing info about 84 ppl is too strenuous on my fingers.
So all I'll mention is that they all hate me..unconditionally!!
actually its my pathetic PJ's that make me hated.. and 
(in)famous :D
I'll mention my group tho..
Kona, kini, anna, bhev, yash(papa1), tanay, ashley, misal, pigeon, pazhav, taktak(papa2), more, chin, kundru, ezaz-culate, sushant, manooz, syumeet
and 66 more!!! :D :D :D






COLONY PUBLIC 


Again... too many people to describe.. and unfortunately i dont have a group pic!!
pretty stupid of me considerin that i've lived in the same place with the same people for a gud part of 18 years!
I'll compensate by typin a bit of garbage then.. 
Around 15-20 guys n gals forming one of the most close knit groups i know of.. no fights, no arguments.. plain smooth sailing!!(yea yea.. i cant lie.. i know! :P)
to mention a few names:
jaknap, seekram, hasina, mihir, lamboo, jibu, batlu, anarkali, shemu, mr.shamrock etc etc etc!!


An honorable mention goes to :


Prineeta : Talkative, crazy, insane, senile.. yea pretty similar to me.. but then i don't pop into the wrong train and end up at the wrong place do i?? :P 

 

 Riya : Sweet, smart and ever smiling(not according to her tho). I talk to/meet her only on a yearly basis now.. during Ganpati that is.. but i remain ever optimistic about that changing(however unrealistic it might seem) :D
Oh n yea, she drives much much better than other women drivers whose driving i have been (un)fortunate enough to witness. Btw her new hairstyle is cool :)
 

     

                         

Sudisha : One of my earliest friends.. sr.kg if i'm not mistaken.. n yea she hates me too!!.. btw shez an upcoming model and by far my best looking friend! :D

(oh almost forgot.. she is very very short tempered!!)

 

Btw i know guys too.. just incase u ver wondering!!!..but i'm too lazy n tired to add any more names!! :D

Without the people mentioned above..i wouldn't have had the fun that i have in the short span of 20 years that i've been on this planet!!..

U rock guys!!...n gals ofcourse! :D ;)  

P.S. I've not mentioned one gal who tops all of the above by the proverbial country mile.. coz she has a separate post dedicated to her!! 

I guess shez gonna knock me head off for not includin her here!! :D :P

so i'll add her name...

THE 'S' Gal 

Bwuhahahahahahahahaha!!!! 

Will the real Zulu please stand up!!

Yes..thats the exact cry of most people who know me or interact with me in any way on any of the 365 days of any year!!(oops forgot the 366 of leaps!) Coz considering the varied behavior i exhibit with different groups of people at different times..they tend to get confused as to whether i'm a case of split personality or a chameleon.

Actually it gets me thinking too as to who the real me is..as 2 names.. Swapneel and Zulu.. tend to bring out 4 different characters from within me..which is weird n creepy!!(hey wait a min.. but isnt that supposed to be me??!) Whatever has been typed so far is just about as much as Zulu can without completely losing his mind(yea he duz have one) so the text that follows will be completely senseless and it may have an adverse effect on the reader's brain.


Why Zulu?? 

Most people believe that the name zulu has got something to do with a certain cricketer named Lance Klusener(he played for South Africa..this is for those ppl who ver in a cricketing coma for the last 10 yrs). So here i reveal the actual reason for the name...
hold your breath...
...
...
I was born in a South African jungle and was brought up by Chimps n then by gorillas.(which also answers my liking for bananas!) A couple of forest rangers took me out of the jungle into the cement world but the problem was me not having a name. THE STUPID APES DIDN'T GIVE ME ONE!!! So they began calling me Zukaro(which incidentally was also the name of the gorilla tribe which brought me up). For the surname, the idotic rangers kept it after the wildlife reserve i was born in.. i.e: Luwansa.
Thus guys.. i get the distinction of having the most unique.. but not so smart nickname..ZULU!!
(btw hope u've got ure breath back!)
The above cock-n-bull story also explains why i am so weird,irritating and keep 'monkeying' around(incase anybody was wondering!)

Hope this clears all your doubts about me and my (mis)demeanors!

So long.. suckaaaz!! 

It's about her :D

At the start of a new year, we make resolutions, wish for something, or just want the next 365/366 days to be smooth sailing. But at times we get a bolt from the blue that tends to.. or in my case changes our lives.

For once my sarcasm and utter nonsense can take a break as the person i'm gonna be describing here doesn't really appreciate my sarcastic/exaggerated statements too much.(though keeping me straightforward is as much a herculean task as straightening the leaning tower of pisa!)

[i wont be putting everything out here as some things are too close to my heart to disclose.. actually doing so might just get me killed! :P]

If my memory serves me right it was 3 yrs back during my 12th grade prelims dat i came across a random profile on orkut, a gal(which made me actually proceed further) whose profile description kinda drew me into it. Not too much transpired early on.. but over the next few days we went through a turn of events that would change the outlook of our friendship.. forever!!

What happened was that the frequency of our online talks on yahoo msngr etc increased a lot and -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------*some text missing*--------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  

So as u can see above, that part is kinda blurry(as in a haze.. it just happened too fast to describe it!!) And i've not forgotten even a minute of those 10-15 days where I managed to flunk in 4 pprs outta 6 and even draw my best friend into help this budding friendship to blossom into a full fledged long distance romance!!(i kno if da gal is reading this she'll jump for my throat.. but sarcasm is an integral part of my life u c :D :P)

I'll refer to this girl as 'S', for simplicity sake(and to ease the trouble my fingers go thru typin "this gal"/'her' repeatedly). And excuse the sudden changes in tense as i'm having to delve in the past to recollect and type stuff as it flows into my garbled mind.

So S n I continue to chat online that year atleast..a year where her then BF gets jealous and begins threatenin me online(get a life mate.. online threats are abt as scary as facing a Liverpool side without Torres n Gerrard.. if u get the point that is!)

S does manage to call me up once.. and that becomes the only time we actually hear each other for 2 yrs!..coz i didnt hav a cell then.. and later i was too.. kanjoos if u may call it to make STD calls =))

S was no more  just an online friend to share pleasantries with but was(& is) a person who knew more abt me in a year than most ppl have in 18. For me.. she had become my GF without actually being my GF!!(weird i kno.. but then when hav i ever been normal!!)

I doubt whether even she knows how much she actually means to me now.. after 3 years of friendship which has seen crazy incidents occurring in both our lives.
Being the joker that i am.. this stuff might make me pals declare me insane and completely devoid of mental health but i assure everyone whatever i've typed has been done with me being in my senses(yea true!!) 

I've tried my best to make the last 2 b'days special for her and i know that its not much compared to what other friends manage, but thats the least i could have done for her.

I end this insanely long post with a short poem:

You're there when my sky turns grey
Making a reason for a smile,
Now that you're here,
I want you to stay.

What I have to say is true,
Words barely describe it,
 Because...........................                                       ♥

A little briefing

Statutory Warning: Reading the posts on this blog can lead to severe mental disintegration and can develop suicidal/murderous tendencies in people. Those who have a mind and use it frequently are warned!

Ah!.. the first post is going to be a short one!(i hope!)

Writing/blogging isn't something that comes naturally to me, as in I need to push my brain(however minuscule it may be) to the limit before i pen down(or type out in this case) something that makes the remotest sense!(and I fail miserably most of the times) Anybody who has read this far would know!

Over the next few posts I'll type out certain incidents/anecdotes. Any resemblance to a living/dead being is absolutely intended with no regard whatsoever for his/her character or well being.

In case you come across a lame joke or excessive sarcasm in any post, don't make the mistake of regarding it as a one off, instead try to make some sense out of it. It might just add to your grey matter.

Oh yeah.. my self appreciation at times tends to border onto narcissism, so please bear with that. 

The various characters who I am likely to mention here are:(in order of popularity)

Me

Zulu

Swapneel

well, 3 characters can make for a very good story guys!.. a recent movie with 3 buffoons trying to reform their careers and their college is a perfect example of that!

Oh! and if you're wondering who/what Zulu is, he is not an African tribal nomad, its just my alter-ego.

Enough for now and I assume that reading this far hasn't left you in a state to think for yourself. And if your grey matter is still functional just ask yourself if you really had nothing better to do than reading all this garbage!